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| So on the eve of a holiday that's about giving thanks, I'd like to give thanks for meeting and falling in love with the man who is even better than all my dreams. I wrote Don a list for his 28th birthday of the things I love about him. Every single thing remains true, and some even more so. There are even things that I would add to the list...but here is the original list of 28 reasons why I love Don (in no particular order)...
1. You didn't judge me on our first date when I threw up.
2. You hold me when I have nightmares and make them go away.
3. Sometimes you just hold me for no reason at all.
4. You get along with my friends and have embraced them as your "little sisters."
5. Your smile gives me butterflies.
6. Your "I don't know" face.
7. Knowing you makes me think about marriage and kids for the first time in my life.
8. When you hug me, and I put my head on your chest, I'm at home.
9. You love kids and when I see you with them my insides go mushy.
10. You take care of your family.
11. You make me feel safe.
12. You snort when you think something's really funny.
13. I can be myself around you.
14. The way you love me makes me feel like the only girl in the world. (Side Note: I wrote this list before Rhianna's song came out).
15. You're AMAZING at lots of things 
16. You're sexy.
17. You make me feel sexy.
18. You know how to have fun...so does Truman =).
19. You know how to cook and we do it together...something I can see us doing even and especially when we have kids.
20. I always have fun with you...whether we're partying or staying in and relaxing.
21. You're always up for anything.
22. You're nice to literally everyone.
23. You genuinely care about my parents. (And it's mutual).
24. I can fart around you...in other words, I'm comfortable with you.
25. You let me kidnap you so I don't have to be alone...and so we can be alone .
26. You forgive my faults.
27. You're spontaneous.
28. You let me be me, and please always be you, because I love who you are.
Another 28 things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
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| So if this is the place for confessions, (mainly because like three people read this...and they're all awesome lol), then I have an odd one...
I took a pregnancy test today, and when it came back negative I felt a twinge of disappointment. Mostly I was relieved... in the sense that I don't have to tell my family anything that would destroy their image of me, and I'm not putting a baby in a position where it might not have the life it deserves. Not that Don and I wouldn't be great parents right now, but we both know that if we take care of ourselves now, then one day our children will be better off for it (or that's the general idea, right?). But when I saw that negative sign, I was a little sad. If this experience has taught me anything, it's shown me how much I love Don. I know I want to do this with him. Not today, but someday =)
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| This summer has gone by way too fast and I didn't get everything done that I needed to...but I did fall in love. And it was wonderful.
...until last night. Or I guess I should say this weekend in general.
Friday night we were supposed to go to a movie. When I got there, Don was playing a video game and didn't seem too thrilled about going anymore. But his friend, "Black," was going with his wife, so Don decided to go after all. He was tired the whole time though because he was out late the night before partying. And worst of all, when he introduced me to his friend's wife he said, "come here, I want you to meet my friend." Well I wasn't aware that telling a girl she's the one doesn't mean anything, because she really just has friend status.
He corrected himself immediately. But it still bothered me. Bothers me I should say. I mean it really makes me wonder how he feels about me. He says one thing, and I'm so sure he means it, but he acts a different way around a lot of his friends. I don't want to say he acts embarrassed of me, but that's how it sometimes feels. I guess they all knew his ex and were probably friends with her. Maybe this behavior is stemming from that. All I know is that it couldn't possibly be love to him yet if he's not willing for the people in his life to see him as being in love with me.
Then on Saturday he was supposed to come meet Jun. But again he was up late the night before and slept through the afternoon and then his dad called him in for a catering event....and of course he didn't meet Jun after all.
Then yesterday, we were planning on seeing each other. But yet again I'm not really a priority. When he finally gets his shit together and calls me, he lets me know that his friend is having a bday dinner, and he asked me if I wanted to go. I had awful cramps, but I told him I'd go. Then he calls me and tells me he's not sure if he's going, so I offer to just hang out him and me. But then he decides he will go after all and I can just meet him there. Well I have no idea where it is and he said we'd go together. But now I have to meet him? So I told him I'd rather not go because I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be social and I didn't want to have to find the place alone. And he seemed more than fine with that. I got the impression that either he or the people he was going with didn't feel comfortable with me going anyway. So I'm left alone, and not feeling well, which isn't really the end of the world. But I guess I was more upset than I thought because when he called, (and was tipsy from wine), I couldn't help but feel hurt. I mean he goes outside and calls me on his cigarette break. Then I texted and called him a few times later that night, and he was completely unresponsive. Which he never is. So either he's upset, or he simply doesn't care enough to remember me. Either way I feel like crap, and I don't want to say anything to him because then he'll say I'm high strung. But it's not high strung to care about things, and it doesn't mean you're easy going if you care about nothing. It just means you care about nothing.
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| So romance novels and the movies got it right. I'd just been getting it wrong. Who knows what will happen in the future with Don (I want him there, but you never know and it's still early), but I do know now that it's possible to feel this way. This is how I'm supposed to feel when falling for someone. With Alberto and Simeon, I certainly had strong feelings. But I think they were strong feelings of friendship, coupled with the illusion of romance because of a sexual relationship and my desire not to be lonely. And to a certain degree, I can't completely regret those relationships. However they weren't the real thing.
I also know that it's still early with Don, and I have a tendency to like guys really fast. Key word though: like. This time I feel different, and it's way better than 'like'. I know it's not rational. Neither are all those stories we read and watch about love. But you know what? I believe now that love is real. And who cares if its irrational? Not everything in life should be.
I've known for several months now that I wasn't really ever in love with Alberto. In fact, that relationship came about because I was insecure and depressed and needed someone. He filled that void and he did genuinely care about me. But it wasn't exactly the healthiest relationship. And I never even thought I was in love with Simeon. Let's be honest here. All my musings and thoughts spent on him were because I was looking for an outlet from school and work, and what girl doesn't want a little romance? Unfortunately, (or fortunately really), he never provided anything meaningful other than some occasionally good company.
I won't say that my feelings for Don are simply excitement over a new relationship. I honestly have never felt this way. There are times throughout the day when I just think, "I love you," and I have to try not to say it because convention and reason tell me that it's not rational to feel this way so soon. That it can't possibly be real yet. But why not? I'm not imagining these feelings. I've even tried to talk myself out of them for reason's sake. It just hasn't worked, and I'm not sure why I should ever have resisted. Likely I was just trying to protect myself.
We're trained to be reasonable about everything. To calculate every decision with common sense. Not to make decisions with our feelings, but with logic. Yet we read books and watch movies about people whose stories are extraordinary and we think "why not me?," knowing that it could never be us because that kind of thing isn't real. But we're wrong. I really think the extraordinary does exist. Maybe people are skeptical until it happens to them. Maybe some people aren't lucky enough to experience it.
I wonder if it can happen more than once to a person? I mean if it's so rare that some people never feel this way, then when it happens is it a once in a lifetime thing? I'm kind of leaning towards the idea that people can fall in love more than once, but more often than not, people just think they're in love. I was victim to that. I know some people who may be victim to that as well. And even if someone does fall in love more than once, it'll never be as magical as the first time. Or maybe it will be, but it will be completely different. And what if what I'm feeling isn't the magic of falling in love for the first time at all? What if Don's the person I'm meant to be with and that's why I feel completely indescribable around him?
I don't know if any of these questions make sense. Essentially I'm feeling that I have found this incredibly amazing gift and am trying to make sense of it right now. I guess my questions have been asked by people for probably as long as humanity has existed. Love is probably one of the greatest human mysteries and a foundation to humanity.
Anyway, I know that some people may read this and be dubious. How can she be talking about love when she's only been talking to this guy for barely over a month and they've only been dating three weeks? I don't honestly know. I know it's not reasonable. I know it won't make sense to people and they may try to rationalize it in their own minds in some way; perhaps thinking it's just me wanting to be in love. Honestly though, I'd settled for the idea that the romance I grew up reading about just didn't exist. I was even ok with that. I still wanted someone in my life and I found guys to fill a void. But I couldn't have dreamed Don up if I tried. It's like he was made for me. Completely unexpectedly. And right now, that's the truth.
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| I feel good because it's off my chest.
I feel like shit because I let myself get my hopes up and was monumentally disappointed. I put him up on this pedestal, Li's right. I thought he was just this rough diamond, who if I just loved would shine again. But maybe he's just a self-indulgent miserable cliche, not unlike my diamond analogy haha.
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